I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
