I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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