I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
