3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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