An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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