At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
