I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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