just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and you said cock pushups were impossible
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
