I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
