Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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