I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
