planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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