at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
