oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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