My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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