Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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