remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize