my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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