Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
