She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
