Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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