I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
