my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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