I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
where are my eyebrows?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
