whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
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