I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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