my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
