I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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