Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
