I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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