Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
