I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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