I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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