he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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