i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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