you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
