The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
