I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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