oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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