then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
