goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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