did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize