look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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