New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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