Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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