I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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