Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
