I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They have beer where we have blood.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
