my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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