i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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