I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
