So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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