All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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