Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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