I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
