that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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